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in the secret service, they're trained to think like the person they're protecting, which is why the dog was trying to give himself brain damage. no. they didn't release the dog's name, but those on the scene just called him spot. you can tell he was a secret service dog because he would bark into a his wrist. [barking] his mother is so upset she won't even eat her own [beep]. joe biden kept asking the vet if all dogs go to heaven was a true story. friends were encouraged to send torn up, peed on flowers.
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rest in fleas. god bless america. see you soon but not too soon. are you excited to be here? >> very much, yes. >> do you have a girlfriend? >> no. >> want to know why? look at you. you look like you want a boyfriend. >> i do have one. >> there you go. >> is this your boyfriend? stand up and be counted for. >> you can do better, dude that just stood up. >> if i was this dude, i would walk into mr. fister tonight and tell every drunk dude i'm seth mcfarland and go hit the glory hole. >> good luck, fellas. it looks better. >> enough e breathe brea
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. man, do we have a show for you tonight. my guest tonight new york city police commissioner ray kelly is going to join us. and after the show, directly after the show, he and i are going to go on the roof of this building and we're going to summon batman. only the police commissioner knows how to do. that you shine a light and then -- [laughter] as you know, kind of a funny thing happened in this year's presidential election amidst the worst economy in decades, high unemployment and a steep spiritual decline, the country chose not a self made and
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virtuous patriot to heal our woes -- [laughter] -- but the same foreign-born socialist tyrant who created all of our woes. [ laughter ] how did republicans lose this eminently winnable presidential race? the republican party has a serious messaging problem. >> i think our messaging has not been very strong. >> the messaging was bad. >> jon: messaging. [ laughter ] if only people knew what the republicans were about, what the republicans need is some kind of 24-hour a day seven day a week perpetual messaging refinement and distribution resource, preferly one close to the trappings of journalistic authority but without any ethical constraint. what would we call such a place? elephant news is too obvious?
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insane clone posse is already -- insane clown posse is already taken. ferret, ferret news! i'll work on it. i'll work on it. so -- [cheers and applause] the republicans lost not because of poor quality of the ideas or the jeb reluctance to help govern when they are not in total command or the rapidly approaching death of a great deal of their voting base, no. a messaging problem. which means there's but one man who can same the republican party now. >> frank lundstrom. >> jon: the famed republican spin doctor credited with masterful messaging as calling the estate tax the death tax and making universal health care coverage sound like a (bleep) sandwich. [laughter] >> the language that you used before, you are calling it a
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public option which is what the white house calls it, are you sure it isn't a government option? if you call the the government option the public against it. >> great point i'll call it the government option. >> jon: thanks, frank. i'm going to call health care the government option because i don't want everyone to have it. i appreciate you telling me how to (bleep) everybody over. thank. while that's been performed,el good people at ferrell news believe in transparency. we'll start with rebranding the or we willan process itself. >> you know about words and messaging and how to do it, frank. let's talk about the the number one thing the language errors you have pointed out versus adjustment. >> jon: you see it's language errors. you need to adjust your language errors. i think the church of
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scientology called, they want their deliberately obfuscating words back. they are not (bleep) you. they are adjusting language errors. elmers glue used to be their horse boiling em porum. [ laughter ] all right. so the republican party is at stake. error me, and adjust it. >> do you believe the error is smaller government. the adjustment should be more effective and efficient government. why are those words so much more important? >> because the american people don't care what the size of government is. >> jon: see, gretchen if you say you want smaller government, the electorate rejects it but if you want it to function more efficiently the electorate likes it even though it's clearly not what you believe. it's a power of the language.
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that is why this is called a beard and not a chin-faking face pube. i like this game. [ laughter ] to me fair, it would be curlier if that were the case. let's play error and adjustment. >> the error is medicare and social security and the adjustment is save and strengthen entitlements. i guess that sounds better. >> jon: it does (bleep) sound better. it does sound better for the actual plan for entitlements which would cut them which sounds (bleep). [ laughter ] this is the kind of messaging strategy that the republicans have had in place for years. maybe this strategy is starting to have diminishing returns. maybe they've hit peak lumps. there's endless reserve of
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word-ipulaitions has run its course. is there a way to gain advantage. >> it's time for a new republican that talk like adults. >> jon: like with curse words. let's get this country back on the (bleep) track! oh, yeah i'm (bleep) bobby jindal bitches. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] wait, hold on. i don't think i did that right, what are you talking about? >> we've got to stop being the stupid party. [ laughter ] >> jon: so actually change the way you are just the description of the way you are. instead of coming up with messaging to convince people that you don't believe women's have beginas have built in defense systems that repel illinois-gotten sperm what could you try is not believing that women's vaginas have that
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capability. [ laughter ] makes me want to stroke my chin piewbs. [ laughter ] a fundamental rethinking of the more extreme and interkuwaited thinking that form the backbone of republican party platsform. all right. you could do. that anybody with a different idea? >> republican proposals in key states to change the way we elect the president are approved, this week's inaugural. >> repeat after me. >> preserve, protect and defend. >> would have looked like this: [laughter] >> jon: i understand the electric electoral math is slightly different but why does he still get michelle obama? that seems -- [laughter] -- heard of winner talk all but please s. some would call a proposal like that cheating.
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because that's what it is, but why not take a page from the playbook here. the language error is cheating. let's adjust that to winning to process innovation. ethics modulated democracy improvement. takes a lot of hard work and intelligence, really, to remain stupid.
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>> jon: welcome back to the show. you know, over the years technology has done an all of lot for us as people. increased product activity, demom ties the information ax loves us to crush five pigs with only one bird. completely revolutionized cat transportation. why are you going? no, you are not? okay. okay. technology and its short comings is the subject of new reoccurring segment jon stewart uploads a stream -- i'd like to talk about reframing the segment. first off, robots. we know they are fighting our wars and boxing in place of hugh jackman -- [laughter] -- but did you know they are stealing our factory jobs. >> a friendly affordable chap named baxter. >> it's meant to go to a factory
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where they don't have robots at the moment and ordinary workers can train it to do simple tasks. >> jon: tasks so simple even a human can do them or at least a human used to do them. tell me where it gets creepy. >> baxter costs 22,000. how long does it last? >> three years. >> jon: that's a reasonable be. it's well-3 had the 46 an hour, the wages of the companies. >> that's not unreasonable comparison to make. >> you could buy one of these robots and it would be like getting a chinese worker. >> jon: it did for a second seem like steve croft was looking to buy some chinese workers. i picked up a couple of chinese guys for $10,000 each. good deal? no, what? 60 minutes is so stuffy.
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give me a news man i can relate to. >> a lot of items about the health and well being including the fact that full-on -- facebook can full-on bum you out. >> jon: thank you bra. talk to me in the language of the youth which makes me feel good because we're both very, very old. what about facebook puts us at risk for the bumming. >> researchers call it facebook envy. it's the act of viewing your friends fabulous vacations, lovely children, attractive friends and great social lives. the research showed it can leave people feeling lonely, frustrated and angry. [ laughter ] >> jon: i'm not a doctor, but if you get upset because other people are happy, it seems your problem might not be facebook but that you are an (bleep). [ laughter ] who are these (bleep)? >> the study looked at german college students. one out of three of them said
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that they had feelings, specific feelings such as anger, frustration or irritation when they used facebook. >> jon: that's your problem -- you used german college students. frustrated and angry is how germans feel about puppies. they are german. a birthday card from grandma. only ten deutsches grandmother! they are germans. [ laughter ] all right. so facebook sucks but nothing is wrong with twitter, right? it can topple egyptian governments to new york congressmen. >> what is the video version of a tweet? >> jon: a veet, twideo, those are the names of ikea chairs. wait, what is it called? >> it's a vine. it's a video service unveiled by twitter today. they have to short, six seconds
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or less. >> jon: of course, five seconds is way too short and seven seconds, come on, he had it your is. what can you do in six seconds. >> faster than -- it turned into a naughty search engine. >> pornography isn't prohibited and allowing sexually explicit videos to run rampant. simply searching porn. >> jon: six seconds of porn. that's for more seconds than anybody would need, isn't it? [laughter] what are people, sting? [laughter] what are they tantric? seriously, six seconds. [laughter] twitter's brief video application was used for porn which makes it a show-in for least surprising development since steve irwin died of animal
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related injuries. too soon? i can get you being surprised that a robot would take a human job or facebook is depressing but how is this used in anything on the internet is almost immediately used for porn. alex doctor graham's first words -x[cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is the police commissioner of new york city. please welcome to the program, commissioner ray kelly. sir, how are you sir? [ applause ] nice to see you. batman. thank you for joining us. >> great to be here. longtime fan. did you know? [laughter] against the law. just a warning this time. [ laughter ] >> jon: cuff it it's the fuzz. how are you? thanks for joining us. i want to talk about two things. we don't have a ton of time
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because obviously you are fighting crime. the first thing is going to be guns. there's a huge discussion on guns in this country right now. but it seems like there are lobby groups and advocacy groups, not a lot of law enforcement, seems like they should be the focus of discussion rather than not. is there a reason for that the? is law enforcement not allowed or permitted to take a public stand on what they might favor for gun issue? >> the think the big organizations have been speaking out about it. you saw the president yesterday in minnesota with a group of police officers. so i think parts are engaged, maybe not speak as loud as we could. chuck ram si has been the head of agency has been articulate and outspoken. law enforcement has a personal concern about guns and gun safety. police officers, over 150 a year. >> jon: right. >> shot throughout the country.
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toes a major concern certainly in urban america. that's how people are being killed and police officers are on the ones that confront people with guns every day. every day in this city certainly. >> jon: they keep saying, it isn't a question of assault rifles, it's an epidemic of handguns in new york city. >> any major city quite frankly. it's a concealable weapon killing people. assault weapons, i think they should be eliminated but they are responsible for less than 2% of the shootings in the city. >> jon: new york city and a lot of major cities have relatively strict handgun laws. >> right. >> jon: why is it that those are not working to stem the tide? is it because any other place that doesn't have the laws are the ones feeding them? >> precisely. 90% of the guns come from other states. the iron pipe lineup 95. southern states for the most
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part. you can have strict laws here. governor cuomo signed probably the strictest laws in the country. if everybody had that, it's fine. everybody does not have it and as a result guns can be purchased in other jurisdictions. >> jon: can you trace them? say somebody buys a gun in florida, south carolina, wherever it's and coming up 95 to us. it's used in a crime. when you get that gun are you able to trace that back to where they bought it? >> with some difficulty. atf, does that, but they are limited. they do not have and cannot have, as a result of congressional direction, a database that does that so they call the manufacturers. it's a very laborious and takes a lot of time to trace a gun. >> jon: if we could institute just a tracing for that, how much would that help law enforcement and what can you do
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if you find out -- i heard a statistic that the overwhelming majority of illegal guns come from 1% of dealers. 1% of dealers are placing so many of these illegal guns into inner cities. >> right. mayor bloomberg funded an operation where he had private investigators go to various states and see them, film them violating the laws. if you are able to trace them more accurately, perhaps we wouldn't have to do that. but would it -- >> jon: bloomberg did this? he funded this? where did he get the money for that? [laughter] if could you have one thing, would it be a registry? what with be the most efficient, best thing for law enforcement to have or is there not one thing it's a large -- what would law enforcement have? >> there's no magic bullet here. there's no quick answer. >> jon: right.
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>> or one size fits all. i think the universal background checks can make a difference. the president say major proponent of that. it will cut down on straw purchases. over six million guns a year are sold without any background checks. it will certainly eat into that number. is it the pan c.i.a., no, but kit make a difference -- it can make a conference. >> jon: the hollow point, things only used for the military application, those are the other things you would like to be done. >> yes. these are all heavy lifts. it's not easy to do. if new york new york state you o to a registered ammunition dealer and you need a check to buy ammunition. >> jon: has there been any talk to enforce the laws and to stem the flow of illegal guns,
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any talk that once you get that list you'll be able to go house to house and take all law abiding citizens weapons, their guns, knives you think are too large, in kind of mallet and take that so people will live under tyranny. has that been a discussion? >> no. >> jon: would you tell me. >> you'd be the first to know. >> jon: you feel there are efficient measures to take that wouldn't necessarily overstep. >> there are 300 million guns in this country and they are going to be there. the supreme court decision columbia versus heller makes certain that the second amendment is going be alive and well. >> jon: as well it should be but we have to be reasonable about the illegalality. can you stick around -- is there a crime going on right now? >> i hope not.
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>> jon: hopefully spiderman or batman is there. we'll ht
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